“Let’s Make Space for That”: Why Therapists Ask You to Feel Your Feelings
“Let’s make space for that.”
Has a therapist ever said this to you?
If a client of mine got roped into doing an improv scene of a therapy session, I’d bet money this would be the first phrase to pop up.
A new client said to me recently—and I’m paraphrasing—“I hear the words coming out of your mouth, but I have no idea what the hell that means. How, and more importantly, why, should I make space for emotions I’m trying to get away from? I came to therapy to stop feeling [insert shitty feeling of choice], and now you’re telling me to hang out with it? No thanks, lady.”
Fair enough.
It can seem completely counterintuitive to sit with a difficult emotion without immediately trying to fix it, analyze it, distract yourself from it, or shove it back into whatever carefully organized compartment it escaped from.
You’ve probably developed some pretty ingenious—and, to an extent, effective—ways of managing uncomfortable feelings so you can go about the business of living your life.
Thank goodness you did.
I do not recommend stopping to feel your feelings while being chased by a bear, driving on I-40 during rush hour, or giving the most important presentation of your career.
There is a time and place.
But what better time and place than therapy?
Why Do Therapists Ask You to Sit With Difficult Emotions?
You may have come to therapy because you want to feel less anxious, angry, ashamed, overwhelmed, or emotionally shut down. Understandably, you want the bad feeling to go away.
So why would a therapist ask you to pay more attention to it?
Because emotions carry information.
They can help us understand what feels threatening, what matters to us, what we need, and where an old wound may still be shaping a present-day reaction. When we immediately suppress, avoid, or outrun an emotion, we lose the opportunity to understand what it is trying to communicate.
This does not mean every emotion is a fact.
Feeling rejected does not necessarily mean you are being rejected. Feeling unsafe does not always mean you are currently in danger. Feeling guilty does not automatically mean you have done something wrong.
But the feeling is still real, and it deserves our curiosity.
Therapy gives us a place to slow things down, untangle mixed-up thoughts and emotions, identify the core issue, and take action where action is actually needed.
In order to do that, we have to allow some of what we have been avoiding to bubble up.
And then—bad news—we have to learn to tolerate at least a little of the discomfort.
Why We Want to Skip This Part
We—as in all humans—often want to skip over this step.
We’ll tolerate a little slowing down. Fine.
We might even put words to the emotion and engage in some thoughtful analysis around it. We can explain where it came from, who caused it, what it reminds us of, and perhaps build a respectable PowerPoint presentation about the whole situation.
But actually sit here and feel it?
That is often where we want to peace out.
It can be deeply uncomfortable to notice sadness, anger, fear, shame, or loneliness without reaching for one of our familiar escape routes. We may start intellectualizing, changing the subject, making a joke, criticizing ourselves, reaching for our phones, or insisting that the feeling “isn’t a big deal.”
These responses are not evidence that you are bad at therapy.
They are coping strategies. At some point, they probably helped you remain functional, connected, productive, or protected. The problem is that a strategy that helped you survive an earlier situation may now be keeping you stuck.
And we often cannot change these patterns alone—at least not at first.
How Therapy Helps You Make Space for Emotions
Working with a therapist can help you approach difficult emotions gradually, without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down completely.
Therapists sometimes call this titration, which is therapy speak for working with an experience in small, manageable doses rather than diving into the deep end and hoping for the best.
Together, we can begin to notice:
What happens in your body when an emotion arises
Which thoughts or situations trigger a strong reaction
How you typically avoid, suppress, or manage discomfort
When an old coping strategy is no longer serving you
What the emotion may be asking you to understand or do
Over time, you can develop what I think of as a compassionate observer: the part of you that can notice what is happening without immediately judging it, reacting to it, or becoming completely consumed by it.
Instead of, “I’m anxious, and something terrible must be happening,” you may begin to think, “I notice that anxiety is here. What triggered it? What does my body need? Is there a problem I need to address, or is an old alarm going off?”
That little bit of space gives you more choice.
And more choice allows you to respond rather than react.
Making Space Is Not the Same as Wallowing
To be clear, making space for an emotion does not mean moving in with it, forwarding your mail, and committing to a long-term relationship.
It does not mean endlessly analyzing your pain or allowing a feeling to dictate every decision you make.
It means acknowledging what is present long enough to understand it.
Sometimes the emotion needs action. You may need to set a boundary, have a difficult conversation, make a change, ask for support, or leave a situation that is harming you.
Other times, the feeling needs permission to move through without being treated like an emergency.
The goal is not to remain stuck in the emotion. The goal is to stop fighting it so intensely that the fight becomes its own source of suffering.
What This Has to Do With Anxiety
Many people seeking anxiety therapy are already working very hard to control their internal experience.
They overthink, overprepare, stay busy, anticipate every possible outcome, or try to make sure everyone around them is okay. These strategies may provide temporary relief, but they can also reinforce the message that anxiety is dangerous and must be eliminated immediately.
In anxiety therapy, we work on changing that relationship.
You can learn to recognize anxiety without automatically obeying it. You can listen for useful information without allowing fear to run the entire show. You can become more comfortable with uncertainty, emotional discomfort, and the fact that you cannot control every outcome.
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
Not.
It may sound simple, but it is certainly not easy. Changing a well-worn emotional pattern takes patience, support, honesty, and repetition.
But with practice, you can become better able to stay present when difficult emotions arise. You can think more clearly, respond more deliberately, and engage more fully in your relationships and your life.
That is what it means to make space.
Not to surrender to the feeling.
Not to get lost in it.
Just to stop running long enough to hear what it has to say.
Anxiety Therapy in Durham, NC
If anxiety, chronic stress, or difficult emotions are interfering with your relationships or your ability to feel present in your life, therapy can help. I offer thoughtful, personalized anxiety therapy for adults in Durham, North Carolina, with both in-person and telehealth appointments available.
You are welcome to schedule a complimentary consultation to ask questions and get a feel for how I work.